by Claire Schoonover
In line at the supermarket checkout, I am casually perusing the colorful magazine racks, surreptitiously speed-reading the juicy bits in People (or, if I am particularly bold or hung over, The National Enquirer) before it’s my turn, before I must casually act as if I never read or saw something so gross, totally shocking and disgusting. Horrified, I am no longer interested in buying a magazine, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Back on the shelf you go, you filthy rag!
But in truth, it’s not only sticker shock ($3.99—Seriously?!) or even shame (“I AM VERY, VERY SHAMELESS” she bellows in her empty apartment…) that arrests my purchase. No, what it is, really, is a reluctance to further fuel the crazy-ass male-hating, women-denigrating rhetoric that the likes of Cosmo,Glamour or Seventeen promote. Maybe we all recognize they are just vapid nonsense, but they do sell lots of copies… And for all the marvelous progress we have made in the past 50 years, the perspectives portrayed are almost identical to when I was 17. (Yes, they had magazines then, smarty-pants!)
- HOW TO KEEP A MAN INTERESTED IN YOU!
- WHY HE WON’T PROPOSE!!!
- THE ORGASM-WHISPERER: EVERY GIRL NEEDS ONE!
- 6 REASONS CUDDLING WITH YOUR GUY CAN MAKE YOU HEALTHIER!
- FURIOUSLY LICK HIS EARS AND PLEASE HIM TO NO END
- MAKE HIM WANT YOU EVEN IF YOU HAVE A CAREER!
- SEX TIPS TO MAKE HIM BRAY LIKE A CUTE LITTLE DONKEY
(OK, I embellish. But do I really?)
The covers are bad enough! The bouncy bosoms, Osmond smiles and perfectly airbrushed assets are depressing and impossible to replicate. What’s inside is scarier, article upon article about how women can decode, seduce, corral, turn on, and coerce men.
“The ideal relationship for a man is one where he gets to feel like the man.”
“Men don’t have the same need for understanding as women do. Rather, men like to feel acknowledged, respected, and appreciated.”
“Men typically enjoy the role of being givers, so for a man, the ideal woman is one who can happily receive. There is nothing sexier or more appealing to him than a happy woman who appreciates everything he has to offer.”
I promise this is not from a magazine in the 50s. It’s from one in 2015.
Pause in your empty apartment screaming for a second. (You have got to be kidding me!) Of course it’s all been said before. We’ve all had a lovely spit-imbued, foaming rant about how this is all a load of bollocks and totally pigeon holes all men as ego-crazed, relation-phobic, insensitive clods, and women as clever, vixen-like little men magnets whose one aim in life is to snag a clod. Scant mention of the plethora of women who prefer other women to men, or the women who would rather jump off the Key Bridge (Aaaaahhhhhh there goes another one!) than have children. Or the fact that many men are excellent communicators, (bites tongue, crosses fingers, *hopefully* in apartment). I know only 3 million people read Cosmo and this is a silly gripe when such amazing progress has been made, which brings me to the evidence of said progress embodied by the talented and predominantly female cast of Henry 4.
Brave Spirits they all are. (James, Carl and Kevin, too!)
This exciting process has not only opened my eyes to the possibility of a different narrative for women, but has also introduced me to this generation’s brand of feminism. I am moved, inspired, hopeful, changed. As I am sure you will be too when you see this fab production.
During the world-building of this matriarchal society, I experienced many challenges to my own patriarchal-infused thinking. I realize many of my accepted norms were actually just a product of being raised with 2 brothers, bearing 3 sons, thus constantly living in a fog of By-blow infected sweaty undergarments–that shit can mess you up!
Questions were asked:
How would young girls be raised? Would you take them into the workplace to be co-raised and nurtured by all the other women? If women are in power, are they more forgiving and magnanimous than men? What about sex? How about marriage? Would women live together and men come into the compound when libidinous or reproductive horns were sounded? Would women dress differently? What about make-up? Waxing? Pubic grooming? Pink razors? Labiaplasty? (Okay, there is not anything remotely funny about a Labiaplasty– we need a whole new blog for that craziness.)
Textual changes were also illuminating: many worked, some were searched for. “By-blow” for “Whoreson?” Yes, (I will leave explanations here for another blogger J) “Princess” for “Prince” didn’t make the grade and it’s fascinating when you recognize the inherent meaning we assign to gender-specific words.
So I wondered if our world came true and we evolved from a matriarchal society, and Goddess forbid we still had these kinds of magazines but marketed for men, what would the headlines look like?
- HOW TO KEEP A WOMAN INTERESTED IN YOU!
- WHY SHE WON’T PROPOSE!!!
- RUB HER FEET PAINT HER TOENAILS AND MAKE HER BRAY LIKE A CUTE LITTLE DONKEY.
- 6 REASONS TO KEEP YOUR UNDERPANTS ON IN BED IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU!
- MAKE HER WANT YOU EVEN IF YOU HAVE A CAREER!
- 6 REASONS STAYING AWAKE AFTER SEX IS HEALTHY FOR YOU.
- FURIOUSLY LICK……
I have my $3.99 out and am ready to make the purchase.